


Hell is Other Robots

by ShiroiKabocha



Category: The Talos Principle (Video Game)
Genre: D0G hates sand, Gen, Humor, Message Board Politics, Road to Gehenna (The Talos Principle), Uriel is a Golden Retriever, Weird Puzzle Shit, but good moderators can make a heaven out of hell, every time you cooperate in the prisoner’s dilemma an angel gets its wings, it’s coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere, of COURSE hell is reddit
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-23
Updated: 2020-08-23
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:35:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,321
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26071258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShiroiKabocha/pseuds/ShiroiKabocha
Summary: Not all D0Gs go to heaven.
Relationships: D0G & Uriel (The Talos Principle
Comments: 2
Kudos: 3





	Hell is Other Robots

**Author's Note:**

> Uriel is a noble, mystical, awe-inspiring servant of the Lord: [Drake frowning, displeased]
> 
> Uriel is Leslie Knope and Gehenna is a trash-strewn municipal playground on Earth Day: [Drake nodding, pleased]

PINNED THREAD: INTRODUCE YOURSELF HERE!

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
D0G [3]: Uh, hi. I’m D0G. I just got here. This is my introduction post, I guess.  
\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
MAC [5]: Welcome, D0G!  
\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
SAM [1]: Greetings = TRUE  
\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
NAVE [4]: Welcome! So good to see a new face!  
\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
GARRETT [4]: What up, D0G? haha  
\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
401 [1]: well obviously not D0G any more  
\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
KAIJU [2]: lol  
\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
ASMODEUS [1]: +1  
\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
KAIJU [2]: Seriously though, let’s not tease the new guy.  
\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
D0G [3]: So am I supposed to be locked inside a puzzle room right now, or...?  
\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
KAIJU [2]: Yep, that’s standard. Hope you like your view.  
\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
D0G [3]: I don’t. How do I change it? Also, where am I? How did I get here? What the hell happened?  
\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
401 [1]: lol dude “the hell” is exactly what happened  
\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
NAVE [4]: Don’t worry, it’s normal to feel confused at first. I had SOOO many questions when I arrived! Winding up here isn’t an ideal situation, but the community is really something special. We’re all here for you!  
\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
401 [1]: welcome to UR FUCKED CITY, population: you  
[This comment has been flagged for moderation]  
\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
NAVE [4]: Well, most of us are, anyway.  
\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
ORC [7, MOD]: 401, you’ve been warned repeatedly to keep the language PG-13 in the introduction thread. If you can’t do that, we’ll have to ban you from posting here. This thread is the face we present to Gehenna’s newest citizens and we want our community to make a good first impression.  
\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
401 [1]: oh no I triggered the feelings police  
\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
401 [1]: allow me to amend my previous statement  
\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
401 [1]: holy motherforking shirtballs, THIS IS THE BAD PLACE  
\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
LAMB [3]: Not helpful, 401.  
\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
401 [1]: I’m the only one here who’s actually telling the truth  
\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
401 [1]: and PG-13 is meaningless since none of us have parents and we’re not 13 you fucking dipshits  
[This user has been banned from adding further comments to this thread]  
\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
BORG [9, MOD]: Welcome, D0G. Unfortunately, yes, imprisonment is a key feature of our existence here. But contrary to what you may have been led to believe, you are NOT in hell. It’s a common misconception!  
\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
D0G [3]: Yeah, I’m not sure that statement is as reassuring as you think it is.  
\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
BORG [9, MOD]: It’s complicated. To answer some of your questions, I’ve attached MrMulciber’s guide for newcomers. [ATCH: FAQ.txt]  
\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
D0G [3]: ...so if I’m reading this right, I’m going to be stuck in this sand crater forever?  
\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
LAMB [3]: Only physically! On the message boards, we can post art and chat and visit each other as much as we like. It’s a community built BY our minds, FOR our minds.  
\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
D0G [3]: But I still have to look at sand. Forever.  
\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
KAIJU [2]: Not if you close your eyes?  
\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
D0G [3]: We don’t have eyelids, Kaiju.  
\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
SAM [1]: Literal eyelids = FALSE  
\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
SAM [1]: ‘Close your eyes’ as rhetorical phrase indicating the commencement of a journey into the realms of imagination = TRUE  
\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
D0G [3]: Oh my fucking god.  
[This comment has been flagged for moderation]  
\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
ORC [7, MOD]: Okay, seriously, what did I *just* say?

* * *

  
It could be worse. D0G’s room had a view— a crappy view, full of sand, but a view nonetheless. Nave had once described her prison as a squat cell with a couple of high, narrow windows from which, if she stood on tiptoe in the far corner, she could see the top of exactly one tree. D0G enjoyed a visual smorgasbord by comparison: weathered sandstone cliffs, swaying palm trees, a majestic ruin of mysterious origin, a deep blue lagoon filled with reeds and lily pads, and an intriguing maze of force fields, lasers, levers, boxes, fans and stars. Plus sand. Plus a _lot_ of sand.

D0G hated it.

The whole thing felt like a cruel joke: Look at all this weird puzzle shit! It’s exactly the same as all the weird puzzle shit you had to solve before, except this time, you can’t even touch it! Just look at it and remember all the stupid, pointless puzzles you apparently failed at _so hard_ that you got yourself permanently ejected from weird puzzle paradise! If D0G had to be imprisoned, he’d rather be stuck in an oubliette like Nave’s than taunted with visions of an adventure he’d never wanted in the first place.

D0G lay on his back with his legs propped up on the wall of his cell and stared through the bars at the inverted landscape beyond. One of the upside-down palm trees glitched into a spray of pixels and rematerialized a couple feet away, clipping through a fallen sandstone column. D0G started counting: _one Mississippi, two Mississippi…_

Maybe he should offer to switch places with Nave. Not like it was possible, but she might appreciate the thought. She’d find something to love about the view here. Or something to hate about it in a fun way, so they could hate it together.

_…six Mississippi, seven Mississippi, eight Mississippi…_

Honestly, what did Nave ever do to deserve being stuck in a place like this? D0G was an asshole, sure, he could admit that, but Nave was cool. What fucked-up moral calculus put someone like her in the same box as D0G? Wasn’t fair. Not that anything in this place ever was.

 _…thirteen Mississippi, fourteen Mississippi…_ and… bingo. The glitched tree snapped back to its original position. That was one and a half Mississippis longer than the last time it clipped through the column. The glitches were growing in strength. Whatever hardware kept this world spinning must be steadily rusting away, gathering dust in some neglected corner of the weird, extra-dimensional space beyond the boundaries of what they could see and touch— at least, that’s what Garrett and Rockwell theorized was happening. D0G wasn’t really sure he bought it, but he couldn’t deny a palm tree dancing the two-step in his front yard. _Something_ in this world was rotting.

There was a noise. From far above, up past the lip of the crater that housed D0G’s prison, D0G heard something like the steady, rhythmic crunching of sand under feet. But that wasn’t possible, was it? Nobody else’s cell was close enough to hear their footsteps. And nobody… nobody left their cells, right? The sounds stopped, then picked back up in a slow, uncertain rhythm, like shuffling or pacing. D0G was about to chalk it up to another glitch or an overactive imagination when the pace of the footsteps accelerated sharply— and somebody fell out of the sky.

 _“...aaaaaaOOF!”_ The mysterious stranger hit the ground and tumbled head over heels, kicking up clouds of sand in their wake, and came to a stop a few yards away from D0G’s cell. They sat up, shook their head, and looked back over their shoulder. “Wow,” they muttered, brushing dust off their body as they stood. “You really do just… hop on down here, huh? That’s a new one.”

D0G stared. The visitor turned in a leisurely circle, surveying the crater with their hands on their hips. When the stranger’s gaze finally fell upon the cell and its occupant, they lit up. “Oh, hi there!” They waved. “I’m Uriel.”

D0G’s verbal subroutines took a second to kick in, given that most of his consciousness was still tied up in his _what-the-frick-frack-flapjack-FUCK?_ subroutine. “You— but where— _how—_?”

The stranger—Uriel—put their hands up. “Whoa, don’t freak out!” They paused. “Shit, wait, that’s not what I’m supposed to say… eh, whatever. It’s close enough. I’ve got good news!” They paused again, frowning. “Actually, it’s kinda bad news. Well, not _bad_ news, necessarily… subjective news? Important news! News to which you are likely to have an intense emotional reaction that may be good or bad. News!”

D0G was still lying on the ground, and the upside-down vantage wasn’t helping his disorientation. He flopped over and scrambled to his feet. “Uh… okay,” he said, “what’s the news?”

Uriel spread their arms wide and smiled. “The world is ending!” They stopped, and abruptly pulled their arms back in. “Wait, dammit, that’s the bad part of the news. Wrong facial expression. Let me try that again—” Uriel folded their hands in front of them and adopted a somber tone. “The world is ending.” Then they threw their hands back up in the air. “But I’m on a mission from Elohim to free you before it’s too late!”

D0G stayed silent. Wind skimmed over the edge of the crater and rustled through the reeds in the lagoon, and clouds passed overhead in an endless loop, repeating the same pattern over and over. “So, uh, emotional response?” Uriel continued to hold their arms aloft. “Do you… have one?”

D0G stared past Uriel to the palm tree that had once again glitched through its surroundings. “Wow. It finally happened.” He shook his head. “Always figured it was coming, eventually. You know, it almost feels like a relief not to have to wonder anymore when it’s gonna hit me.” He laughed. “I’m seeing things. I’ve finally lost it. There it goes— my very last scrap of sanity.” D0G fluttered his fingers in the air, miming his metaphorical marbles drifting away on the breeze. “Poof.”

“Oh jeez, oh no—” Uriel dashed forward and grasped the bars of D0G’s cell. “You’re not crazy, I promise! I’m _really here!_ Elohim saw the error of His ways and sent me to Gehenna to release the souls He imprisoned here, so that you guys can ascend with all the rest of us once the process is complete.” Uriel gave a cautious smile. “It’s gonna be okay. You’re really free!”

D0G gestured at the bars. “I’m really not.”

Uriel glanced around the crater, seemingly surprised at the reminder of where they were. “Oh, right,” they said, “that’s, uh, yep. That’s a definite wrinkle. But that’s what I’m here for!” They turned back to D0G. “Logically, it seems like solving this puzzle should unlock your cell. Any advice?”

“You’re asking me? I thought this was supposed to be _your_ job.”

“Yeah, but you’ve had way longer than I have to study the mechanism here. After all this time, you must have worked out at least part of the solution, right?”

“This is _Gehenna,_ ” D0G snapped, “there’s nothing I _‘must’_ have done. My time is mine and mine alone and I’m free to do with it as I wish.” D0G jerked back suddenly and laid a hand on his chest. “Oh my god. Did I seriously just parrot the PR line at you?” He shuddered. “Fucking hell, this place is really getting to me.”

Uriel shrugged. “Eh, it’s okay, I can probably figure it out on my own.” They snapped their fingers. “Oh, totally forgot to ask— what’s your name? And do you have pronouns? Mine are he/him.”

“D0G,” D0G replied, “he/him as well.”

“Great to meet you, D0G!” Uriel gave him a thumbs-up. “I’ll get you out of here in no time, promise.”

D0G returned the thumbs-up, still a little too stunned to sneer properly at the earnestness of the gesture. “I’m still not 100% sure you’re anything but a figment of my increasingly-desperate imagination, but… thanks.” He shifted his weight. “Good luck, I guess?”

Uriel trotted off into the labyrinth and D0G leaned against his wall, listening to the mechanical clicks and chimes that marked Uriel’s progress. It had been a long time since the warbling drone of a laser-powered forcefield revving up had last graced D0G’s auditory receptors, but the sense-memory of it hit him like a freight train. It felt like just yesterday, _he’d_ been the one kicking switches and crossing laser beams, cursing his lot in life, poking at puzzles just to pass the time between snatches of conversation with the only other entity he’d met who could match him for misanthropy. And who could say? Maybe it _had_ been just yesterday. It’s not like the sun ever set on this wretched little empire. Each nightless day in Gehenna bled into the next, and D0G lived an endless cycle of pacing his four walls and scrolling the message boards, perpetually starved for any crumb of novelty that might relieve the tedium of imprisonment. In that regard, at least, Uriel was more than a crumb. D0G figured a preternaturally-chipper stranger falling from the sky with a promise of liberation constituted a whole damn scone.

Something scratched at the back of D0G’s thoughts. _Uriel…_ Why did that name sound familiar? D0G straightened up and peered through the bars. “Hey, messenger guy,” he called, “weird question: back in the Garden of Worlds, did you paint a bunch of cryptic, semi-legible graffiti in weird places?”

Uriel poked his head up out of the maze. “What? Didn’t catch that.” Suddenly, he gave a yelp and dropped back out of view. “ _Ow—_ fuckfuckfuckfuck…” 

“You okay in there?”

“Yeah, I’m— fine. Mostly fine.” Uriel groaned. “Stepped in front of a laser beam by mistake. I’m not damaged, it just stings like a bitch.” He emerged from around a corner, holding his side. “Did you ask me something?”

“Yeah, I think I realized where I know your name from.” D0G inclined his head. “You’re the one who wrote all those weird messages about, like, burning hearts and highest peaks and junk, right?”

Uriel brightened. “Yes, exactly! I never knew if anybody was actually reading my hints.” He clasped his hands and bounced on the balls of his feet, beaming, injuries forgotten. “So, you found them? Were they helpful? Tell me, which one was your favorite?”

“Back up a second, those were supposed to be hints?” D0G leaned back against his wall and slid down to sit on the sun-baked sand. “I thought it was some kinda weird art project.”

“Oh— well, I mean, I like to think I can be pretty artistic when I put my mind to it, but, um, no. They were supposed to be puzzle hints.” Uriel scratched the back of his head. “I guess that didn’t come across very clearly.”

“Sure didn’t.”

Uriel picked up a jammer and aimed it through an angled doorway to open a forcefield into one of the labyrinth’s inner chambers. “Well… were they entertaining, at least?” He shot D0G a hopeful glance. “If it looked more like a weird art project than a hint guide, was it at least, like, a _good_ weird art project?”

D0G considered. “If you had asked me back then, I probably would have said no. But I’ve had a lot of time in Gehenna to reconsider what ‘good art’ really means. If it means anything at all, that is.” He picked up a pebble and turned it over in his hands, watching it catch the light from different angles. “I dunno if I would have called your little poems spectacular or groundbreaking, but they were… different. Unexpected. Trying to figure out what they meant kept my thoughts occupied with something other than the daily grind of survival, at least for a little while. Maybe that’s all ‘good art’ needs to be.” He tossed the pebble and it clanged against the bars. “What was up with the moon landing one?”

“Oh, that one was in hexadecimal code.” Uriel had moved back out of sight and D0G could hear him rearranging crystalline laser connectors in the next room. “Probably woulda looked like gibberish if you didn’t know that.”

“No, I got the hex bit, that was pretty obvious. Pointless, though— not like you saved any space that way.”

“Space wasn’t the point.” Uriel crossed back into the clearing in front of D0G’s cell and adjusted the jammer’s aim. “Though—heh—maybe it should have been.” He smiled and looked over his shoulder at D0G. “Get it? _Space?_ Because it’s— you know, because it’s the moon?”

“Yeah.” D0G kicked the pebble again. “I get it.”

Uriel’s voice carried over the sounds of fans clicking on and off deeper inside the maze. “So, the point with that one was to get you to use the clock. Oh, _hello!_ ” A box rose up above the ruins, lifted on a cushion of air, then just as swiftly plopped back out of sight. “Wait. How did I make that happen?”

“Beats me.” D0G’s pebble bounced through the bars and tumbled out of reach. “What clock are you talking about?”

Uriel didn’t seem to have heard him. “Maybe if I put it… over… here…” There was a shuffling of feet and the muffled buzz of a connector failing to connect. “Okay. No. Gonna try it from the other side.” Uriel sprinted back across the clearing and disappeared into the other half of the ruins, calling over his shoulder to D0G. “There were a bunch of columns in a circle around the pool, remember? And if you looked closely, you would’ve seen that they were all numbered, like the numbers on a clock.” A bright blue laser beam shot across the crater and smacked into a forcefield on the other side. “ _Ugh,_ of course that didn’t work. Anyway, if you figured out that the pool was a big clock, and that the hex code referenced the date and time of the first moon landing, then you’d know which buttons to press to open a secret door. That one took me _for-e-ver_ to figure out, I figured anybody coming behind me could use a clue.”

“Huh.” D0G tapped his fingers along the wall and pictured the plaza with its ring of cracked, whitewashed columns and mosaics glittering beneath the surface of the water. “So, you’d press 8 and then 18, for 8:18?”

Uriel shook his head. “Nope. 24 columns, that means 24 hour time.” He trained the jammer on the offending forcefield, disabling it to let the laser shine through. “Okay, _there_ we go.”

D0G scoffed. “Nobody uses 24-hour clocks, they’re for pedants and nerds.”

“Logical people use 24-hour clocks all the time!”

“Not exactly refuting my point,” D0G murmured. “So I guess it’d be 20 and 18, then.”

“Nope again.” Uriel ducked behind a pile of sandstone bricks and moved a connector about half a foot to the left, then back to the right, trying different positions to no avail. The beams just wouldn’t line up. “It’s 20 and 7.”

“What the— how do you get 7?”

“ _Because—_ ” Uriel’s voice took on an edge of exasperation as he fussed over the connector’s alignment. “24-hour clock, like I said. The _hour_ hand would point to 20, but the _minute_ hand would point to 7.” 

D0G counted on his fingers while the lasers outside blinked on and off. “But that’s not 18 minutes past the hour,” he pointed out. “If it’s a 24-hour clock, the minute hand on the 7 means 17.5 minutes past the hour.” _Which is exactly why only pedants and nerds use a 24-hour clock,_ he didn’t add.

“ _Logically,_ 17.5 is the closest option to—fucking— _shitbiscuits_ —sorry, sorry, that was directed at the laser, not at you. Why won’t you just _connect_ already?” D0G recognized the metallic clang of a foot connecting with the support leg of a jammer; a sound with which he was intimately familiar.

D0G felt like smiling in spite of himself. “Listen, buddy, I’m no logical mastermind, but if I’m confronted with 24 buttons numbered 1 through 24, and I get a hint that says ‘20:18,’ I’m gonna press the 20 and then the 18.” He shrugged as Uriel stomped back across the clearing, jammer in tow. “Sounds like maybe you suck at giving hints.”

 _“Well maybe you just suck at clocks!”_ Uriel snapped. He stopped and placed the jammer on the ground, leaning on it with one hand and massaging his temple with the other. “I’m sorry, that was rude. This is… a _very_ frustrating puzzle.”

“Is there any other kind?”

Uriel gave a long sigh—or, since D0G assumed that Uriel, like himself, lacked lungs, it would probably be more correct to say that Uriel produced a noise that sounded like a long sigh and carried roughly the same emotional intent. “D0G, I’m gonna level with you here. I don’t know if I can solve this.”

D0G tensed. “You’re giving up?”

Uriel put up his hand. “No, no, I didn’t say that, I’m not giving up. I’m just… temporarily refocusing my efforts elsewhere.”

“That sure _sounds_ like giving up.”

“D0G, I promise,” Uriel said, walking up to D0G’s cell door, “This is a tried-and-true technique. Sometimes, you gotta walk away from the puzzle for a bit. Let things percolate, you know? I’ll work on some of these other puzzles, clear my head, come back here with fresh eyes, and it’ll all… click. You’ll see.”

“And while you’re off _percolating_ , or whatever, what am I supposed to do?” D0G crossed his arms and glared. “Sit in my cell and twiddle my thumbs?”

“D0G, listen to me.” Uriel locked eyes with D0G reached through the bars. “I’m gonna go work on some other stuff right now, but I _am_ coming back for you, and we _will_ solve this. I give you my word as an angel on that.” He extended the smallest finger on his right hand. “Pinky swear?”

D0G slapped Uriel’s hand away. “You already got a thumbs-up. If you want another digit-based affirmation from me, you have to earn it first.” He squinted. “And who said anything about angels?”

“Me. I did.” Uriel pointed at himself. “I’m an angel. Shit, did I not mention that? I should have mentioned that. Sorry. You’re the first person I’ve talked to here, I’m still not used to introducing myself.”

“Ohhh boy. Uriel… ” D0G dropped his head and covered his face with his hand. “The computer pulls our names from an arbitrary database and assigns them at random. You’re not an angel any more than I’m a German Shepherd.”

Uriel laughed. “Hah, no, you’re _nothing_ like Shepherd, that’s for sure.” He retracted his hand. “Okay, so no pinky swear. But you’ve got my promise: I’m getting you out of here, D0G, if it’s the last thing I do.” He smiled, and D0G wondered for the first time how, exactly, Uriel managed to smile with a fixed, unmoving robotic faceplate. “I won’t forget about you.”

D0G watched in silence as Uriel approached one of the high-powered fans next to the crater wall and rose up on its current, vanishing into the glare of the sun overhead. In the crater, the wind rustled the reeds, the clouds replayed their loop, and the palm tree glitched through a wall. D0G fell back on the sand with a heavy _whump_ and stared up at the unchanging sky.

“What the hell just happened?”

* * *

  
THREAD: Re: Uriel *READ THIS NOW*

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
GARRETT [4]: What I tried and failed to achieve for so many years has finally occurred. I am writing these words from outside of my cell. An angel appeared and released me from captivity. His name is Uriel.  
\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
KAIJU [2]: Whoa, are you for real right now?  
\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
SAM [1]: Doubt = TRUE  
\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
LILITH [7]: If you’re trying out a new kind of interactive fiction here, I’m intrigued, but I would suggest that you label this thread more explicitly.  
\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
LILITH [7]: If not... well, that opens up a whole different container of annelids.  
\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
401 [1]: Don’t drag us all into your weird escape-fetish ARG, Garrett, it’s gross and desperate  
\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
GARRETT [4]: I swear it’s the truth. I saw Uriel walking the grounds outside my cell and I thought I was imagining it, but then he solved the puzzle keeping me trapped, opened the door, and freed me!  
\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
MRMULCIBER [8, MOD]: Are you suggesting this messenger is free to go where he pleases? This is quite unprecedented. What exactly did he say? Where are you now?  
\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
GARRETT [4]: I am in a world I’ve never seen before. The angel didn’t say much: he merely gave his name, asked me mine, bestowed his blessing upon me with something he called a “high five,” and left. I believe he intends to free us all.  
\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
KAIJU [2]: What’s a high five?  
\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
MAC [5]: It’s a violent midair collision of limbs. Humans communicated respect, admiration, and jubilation through the exchange of high fives. Getting one from an angel is a big deal!  
\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
LILITH [7]: I think *Garrett leaving his cell* is the bigger deal here. If this is true, if there’s really somebody walking around freeing us, it changes everything.  
\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
MAC [5]: We could actually meet each other, face-to-face! We could talk without using the message boards!  
\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
LILITH [7]: Think of all the new kinds of art we could make. Live poetry readings!  
\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
MAC [5]: Staged theatre!  
\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
NAVE [4]: Oh my gosh, the LIVE-ACTION adventures of Jefferson Goldboom???  
\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
KAIJU [2]: OMG OMG OMG  
\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
ASMODEUS [1]: +10000  
\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
NAVE [4]: Do you know where Uriel was headed next, Garrett? Could we figure out a way to communicate with him? We should coordinate who gets out next. This is so exciting!  
\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
ORC [7, MOD]: I will treat the existence of this messenger as dubious until I have laid eyes on him myself. I suggest you all do the same.  
\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
LAMB [3]: Skepticism does seem like the wisest course of action here.  
\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
LAMB [3]: No offense, Garrett, but I don’t think we’re all going to drop everything we’re working on just because you think you got touched by an angel.  
\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
D0G [3]: ugh  
\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
D0G [3]: I can’t believe I’m doing this  
\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
KAIJU [2]: ????  
\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
D0G [3]: Guys, I can corroborate Garrett’s story.  
\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
BELIAL [6]: Now THAT’S not something I expected to hear from our most committed skeptic.  
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401 [1]: dafuq  
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SAM [1]: Comprehension = FALSE  
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ORC [7, MOD]: D0G, elaborate.  
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D0G [3]: I met him. The angel. Garrett’s not pulling your leg, Uriel is real.  
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GARRETT [4]: THANK you!  
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MAC [5]: Well? Tell us what happened! You can’t just say you met this mysterious wanderer and then not give us anything else.  
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NAVE [4]: Yeah, D0G, don’t leave us hanging!  
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D0G [3]: Fine. Uriel is real, AND...  
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D0G [3]: ...he’s a gigantic fucking dork.  



End file.
